Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Day #74: Struggling to Find Balance

I am struggling immensely to find balance within the confines of my home.  There are children to care for and attend to, housework, meal planning, laundry, bill paying, and countless other menial tasks that pop up each day.  On top of these tasks, I crave time to write, read, and exercise at some point during the day.  For the life of me, I just cannot find a way to balance all of this and not feel guilty about the way I have prioritized my time.

I am a morning person.  I do my best to tackle the necessary household work right away and know once lunch rolls around more than likely nothing else will be accomplished on that front.  I simply lose steam.  This happens to be the time of the day my kids are full of energy, not terribly grumpy, and more than ready to get down to the business of young children:  playing.  I admit, I am not a great "player."  I get restless and have difficulty just sitting still.  My brain is always thinking about what needs to be done next instead of just being present in the moment.  Not the best quality, but I am trying to work on it.  I struggle with the balance:  do I get my work accomplished at the expense of missing out on precious moments with my kids?

My baby is a terrible sleeper.  Naps are inconsistent.  Some days they are long, some days they are short.  She is extremely clingy right now and only wants to be held.  Nap times are a reprieve! I just want to sit down, alone, and read or write about what's on my mind.  However, this is time when I can give my older kids more attention, because I do not have a baby strapped to my hip.  I struggle with the balance:  do I take some time for myself and feel guilty for not engaging with my children?

I feel completely disgusted with my physical appearance.  I worked so hard to get into shape and then got out of a routine.  I desperately want to bet back on the train once again, but I struggle to find the time to do it.  We cancelled our gym membership because I do not use it.  This leaves early morning or later in the evening to fit it in.  Right now I am not getting great rest at night and the morning seems to come too soon.  If I squeeze it in later in the evening, I am missing out on time with my husband without (most) of the kids.  I struggle with the balance:  do I take the time to exercise in order to improve my health and sacrifice much-needed time to talk with my husband?

All of these realizations are part of this project I have embarked on.  I am much more aware of the effects my decisions have for me and my family.  This process is hard and I still feel nowhere near the point where I turn the corner:  before this simply becomes a way of life and I feel satisfied with the path we are on.  I look forward to the day when I can say we are finally traveling down the path we desire.  I know it's coming.  First I have to peel back the layers, work through the mess, pray (a lot!), and hopefully come out on the other side.

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