Day #105: Friendships that Span Decades

Twelve years ago we graduated from college.  That doesn't seem possible, yet it seems like a million years ago.  It is hard to remember being so young and ambitious, full of hope, and dreaming about what was yet to come.  A lot has happened in twelve years, but some things never change.

Tonight we spent some time with a few guys from our college days (one was from my youth as well).  It's been many years since we've seen each other, but when back in the same room it felt like hardly any time had passed at all.  They were able to meet our kids and we got a chance to meet one of our friend's.  So much has happened in those twelve years, but on this evening it was just a gathering of old friends and an opportunity to reminisce about the good old days.

I loved that our children were with us.  It is not often that they get to see people we've been friends with for over a decade.  I hope at least our oldest son was able to realize that friendships can last many, many years and those friendships are a precious commodity.

I hope fewer years pass before we cross paths again, but for this night I am grateful.  Until next time!

Day #104: Four years

Today I was struck with this thought:  four years ago I was very pregnant with my little guy and had two small children at home.  FOUR years ago.  It made me sad to think time has passed so quickly.  Since having him, life has been hard.  Being a mother to three kids born in the span of 3.5 years has been hard.  Adding a fourth to that has made it even harder, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

In those four years I can count on one hand the number of nights I have slept straight through.  I have changed countless diapers, spent years of my life breastfeeding, and doing my best to ensure my kids are safe, healthy, and loved.  I have struggled (and still do) with dark periods, wondering, pleading, for difficult phases to end and for some pep back in my step.  Motherhood is hard and anyone telling you it isn't is lying.

This might sound crazy, but I'd do anything to go back and do it all over again.  My kids are growing up fast.  Though I've been home with all of them since they were born, I feel like I've missed out on opportunities to just enjoy them being young and (fairly) innocent.  Despite feeling exhausted, frustrated, and depressed at times, I would turn back time and do it again.

Why?  Because soon my kids won't want to hang around the house and play anymore.  Their ritualistic play schemes will be a thing of the past and it will make me sad.  Just a memory.  Some days we need to dig deep, pull ourselves out of the trenches, and make sure we are observing the changes happening right before our eyes.  We need to embrace the ugly, the mess, and accept that soon this season will end and we will yearn for just one more day with our little ones.

In the blink of an eye those four years have passed.  I hate to think how quickly the next four will go...

  

Day #103: Worry Less, Pray More

Generally speaking I am a "take charge" person:  an idea pops into my head, and without too much thought, I run with it.  This has not always be the best option and I have not always been successful when taking this route, but it is the way my mind is programmed.  At least that's how it's been programmed in the past.  Now I find myself confused:  questioning the next move and hesitant to take the plunge when the next big idea pops into my head.  I find my indecisiveness to be paralyzing.  Do I move forward with hope and optimism or do I retreat out of fear and doubt?  These days I seem to be stuck somewhere in between.  Non-committal, full of questions, and in limbo.

This shift in thinking and decision-making has been challenging.  I find myself singing lyrics from songs I hear on K-Love: "I lift my hands and pray," "I want to live with abandon," "We were made to thrive," and my new favorite "What if the trials in your life are mercies in disguise."  I pray for clarity, some sort of a sign, the courage to move forward.  I just know one of these days the vision will be clear.  It is just so very hard to wait.

Yesterday I heard this verse and it resonated deep inside of me.  It is much easier said than done, but I am going to do my best to trust in Him and take the first step in this unknown journey.  Fear and worry simply cannot be an option anymore.  When it is all said and done, standing on the sidelines is safe and unproductive.  I want to be in the game feeling the exhilaration of hitting the winning shot at the buzzer.  I want to live with abandon.  It is time to take the plunge... 

Day #102: Letting Go of the Guilt

In an effort to de-stress, reduce anxiety, and just feel an overall sense of calm, I'm working on doing a little mental overhaul.  Generally speaking, I don't feel a lot of anxiety in my daily life, but lately I have been drowning in it.  There are so many uncertainties in my life right now, from deciding what route we are going to choose for schooling this fall to the ever-burning question of what path I plan to take career-wise in the future, and it is severely impacting my anxiety level.

I cannot live this way!  It is time to take some steps to reduce these feelings and the first step is to let go of the guilt.  The mom-guilt, wife-guilt, daughter-guilt, friend-guilt...all of it.  Each day I do my best and in the end, that is all I can offer.  My decisions may not please everyone nor be understood by those important to me, but they will be the best I can offer at the time.  If I could just let go of the mentality of "if I choose this, what might others think" and shift it to " this is what's best for me and my family" I feel like my anxiety levels would drop substantially.

This may be easier said than done.  I feel like my biggest critics are those nearest and dearest to me.  Their intentions may be good, but it can be mentally draining at times.  If I am brutally honest, I just want to be supported in my decisions.  I don't want to hear the "If I were you" lines or feel guilty because my decisions may not match their expectations.  

Wow.  That was hard to say.  Perhaps it's time for some heart-to-heart conversations with those in my closest circle.  They can be the most difficult, but the most important.

  

   

Day #101: Cuteness

Praying before dinner did not used to be a habit in our family.  We made it a priority for the New Year and we have done a pretty good job of sticking with it.  My daughter shared the snack time prayer she sang at preschool with us, the kids loved it, and we have stuck with it.  If you're interested, here it is:

(To Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

Let's be thankful for this day,
For our friends and for our play.
Let's be thankful, let's be glad,
For the food and things we have.
Let's give thanks for your and me
and our home and family.  Amen.

For quite some time, the baby has simply smiled and looked at all of us while we sing our prayer.  Tonight she stopped, looked at us, and folded her hands.  Cutest.thing.ever.  If we've made any progress during this project, it has been baby steps in making our home more faith-centered.  We listen to Christian radio, pray before meals, and try to talk about what God expects of us.  We have a long way to go, put progress has been made.

Have I mentioned how cute it was to see those chubby little hands folded?!

Day #100: A Break in the Action

I have come to realize in order to meet my overall goal, I have to spend time away from my kids.  This surely doesn't sound like a mommy thing to say, but it's the truth.  Right now I am still tied to the baby's schedule since she is still nursing, but in the near future, this stage will be over and I will have a bit more freedom.  I just may go crazy and take advantage of this once it happens (both out of excitement and sadness that more than likely this will be the last baby I nurse).  

Today I had the opportunity to escape for a few hours to get my hair done and have lunch with my husband...alone.  It was heaven.  My stylist probably thought I was unfriendly, as I brought a book along to read, but I just wanted to soak up my two hours of peace and quiet.  It was delightful.  I left feeling relaxed, rejuvenated, and quite hungry!

My husband and I had the opportunity to enjoy lunch at a nice restaurant and talk without interruption.  I am working to convince him we should take a much-deserved mini vacation this fall, so it was the perfect opportunity to discuss this option.  I think it is hard for him to understand I simply don't WANT to go on vacation, I NEED a vacation.  Without the kids.  To reboot the system, get some much-needed rest, and relax.  Oh, it sounds heavenly!

It is not selfish to take time for myself.  At times it takes some convincing, but it would be healthy to spend a bit of time apart.  At least that's the pep talk I'm giving myself!  Excuse me while I search for a great mini-getaway...

  

Day #99: Kids Say the Darndest Things

My son was working on his Rainbow Loom at the kitchen island this afternoon.  He still has USA fever from the 4th of July and the World Cup, so he decided to make something red, white, and blue.  During the day, I typically have K-Love playing and we have all come to love it.  Out of the blue I hear this statement from my son and I literally burst out laughing:  "This is the best day ever!  Making bracelets and listening to my favorite song on the radio.  This is great!"

I literally could not contain myself.  The tone he used, the exclamation in itself, and the simplicty of it all just made me laugh.  I said, "Really?"  He laughed and said, "No, not really.  I am just being silly."  He just sounded so funny when he said it.  A moment I wish I had on record.

Sometimes it's the little moments like this that bring a smile to my face.  I'm so glad I didn't miss it!